Headed West Again

So, we got the news we've been anxiously waiting for: where we will move for residency. I've spent the last few days seriously wishing I could send it back.

We are headed to El Paso in June. The idea is growing on me a little more, but to tell the truth, there were tears. Why? I HATE the desert. I hate extreme heat, I hate brown, I NEED green. Now, I have since discovered that El Paso is not get nearly as hot as Arizona and people keep telling me that it's actually a "fun" place. I'll make that judgment myself. I think some of them are just trying to get my emotions to back down off the window ledge.

So, here's how we found out. It's Wednesday morning at 6:15 am. I had made J.T. get up and check because we knew the results would be posted at 6:00. I barely slept the night before and when I did my dreams all centered around residency location. I had now been awake since 5:00 and just couldn't take the waiting anymore. He pulls everything up and all I see is the name of the hospital. So I keep asking "Where is it?" "Ellll Paaasssooo" (At least that's how I remember it: in slow motion and in a deep distorted voice.) He just blankly stared at the screen while I stomped and said "no, no, no, no." Part of the frustration being location and part that he didn't get a derm spot. I know pathetic, right? My husband's sitting in a daze while I act like it's the end of the world for ME.

The first thing he says when he finally speaks again is that maybe he should just see where there are family practice openings and switch to that. At first that doesn't sound half bad to me: shorter residency, we'd be secure in a program. But I couldn't let him do it. Dermatology is what he loves. J.T. has never loved a job in his life. It makes him so happy, so there was no way I could let him make a decision to do something else he'll be miserable in. I swallow the words that want to come blurting out and tell him he can't just jump and do that, it's a really big decision and, just a reminder, but you hate family practice. He nods his head.

About this point my mom calls. I'm already fighting back tears. I go downstairs to talk and totally lost it. "I love it here and having to go somewhere crappy makes it even harder to leave, etc, etc." Thanks for listening Mom. When I get off and go back upstairs it turns out that he had heard me and was reading about how to change our location. Once again, in my head I'm screaming "YES, YES, YES!! This is my way out!" But, here's what it came down to. We have prayed for months, maybe years, that the Lord would send us where he would have us to go, where he needs us. We were at peace and had total faith in His plan for us. The Lord was now telling us to go to El Paso, and I was acting like Ava when I tell her she can't have anymore marshmallows. If we change this we're saying that we want the Lord's help when it's convenient for us, but when it's not we're gonna bale out and do what we want.

So, we've decided to go on to El Paso. We know there's a reason for all things and trust that our feeble minds can't know better than Heavenly Father's what we need. I'm more accepting now.

Here are the pluses. Yes, there are a few, and I'm finally ready to admit them. It's only a year. J.T. can re-apply for derm and still has a chance to do what he loves. (It's hard work being a med school wife. I haven't sacrificed for nothing. He better love what he does.) The residency director is a dermatologist, so it will be good for J.T. to work with him. We did find out later that morning that we have some friends that are going to be going to the same program as us. Apparently, his wife had the same reaction I did, so at least we'll have each other when our husband's are working 80 hour weeks.

So, stay tuned for this time next year when I announce where we're going, again, and can tell you what a great year it's been and how silly I was for freaking out so bad.